Man, 39 Years Old (Life of the Party)
I grew up in a family where there was no outward display of affection and love. My parents scarcely ever showed affection to each other. Whenever we became excited and interested in trying to do something, there was never any encouragement from them. There were only negative responses telling us why we could do nothing at all. Because we were so fearful of punishment, neither I nor my sister ever dared to say what we were thinking or how we felt. In this atmosphere, very early I learned to suppress all my feelings. Our dad was seldom home. When he was there and wanted to surprise us, he would order my sister and I to go into the kitchen. This terrified us for we knew we were in trouble and he was going to yell at us or give us a spanking.
At home I felt deeply rejected and this carried over into school. Although I tried desperately to belong and fit in, I never could. I was never any good at games and so was always the last one to be picked when teams were chosen. Bullies at school chased me and attempted to beat me up. I would start to run but would freeze with fear and be unable to escape their tormenting. Thus my childhood was filled with unhappiness and misery and I have no good memories about it.
In 1971, following graduation from high school, I enlisted in the U.S. Air Force. Here again I found myself alone and rejected. Midway through my time in service I was shipped overseas. There I began to smoke marijuana, sell drugs, dance, drink and sleep with prostitutes. This became the sum total of my existence overseas. It was exciting because for the first time in my life, I felt accepted and loved, not rejected. This is what I foolishly believed at the time.
Throughout all the life of partying and carousing I was outgoing, the life of the party. However, deep within I was still a basket case of distorted emotions and feelings. Eighteen months later I returned to the states filled with confidence and assurance, an obnoxiously proud know-it-all. Certainly no one could tell me what to do. I knew I was right and everyone else was wrong.
Early in 1976 my cousin and I were driving around, idly looking for something to do. He had heard about the Hegewisch Baptist Church and decided to check it out. It seemed strange to be there yet at the same time, I felt as if I had to be there. I went a few times off and on.
I met a girl who ran away from home to come to live with me. At first things seemed to go well but before long all kinds of problems developed. I remember telling myself that I would never strike a woman. The first time I hit her, it upset me thoroughly, but the second time it was a little easier. From then on I had no conscience about it.
I would spend most of my time with my cousins and leave her at home. Many times I had no desire to touch her or to have anything to do with her. Once she wrecked the car and I yelled at her because I was more concerned about the car than about my wife. Such was the lunacy induced by the alcohol and drugs.
It was only when I was drunk that I wanted to have her with me. During these stormy days I desperately prayed to the Lord, begging Him to get me out of the mess I had made of my marriage. One day I came home from work and she had taken all of her things and moved out.
Hate, rage, rejection and a host of other feelings exploded in me. In my fury I wanted to kill, rape, hurt, commit suicide or blow up her car. I was like a madman with these thoughts continually flooding my mind. There was no peace of mind for me. The most insane thing I did during this stage of abandonment was to pray to the Lord to bring her back to me. I even began to seek out spiritual advisors. Scripture truly states that a double minded man is unstable in all his ways. Finally, in January of 1987, I accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal savior. Shortly thereafter I returned to Hegewisch Baptist Church. Since then I have grown in grace and knowledge of the Lord Jesus.
This was a radical change for me after spending 34 years as the devil’s advocate. Had it not been for Jesus Christ, Pastor Worley and the fellowship of the members at Hegewisch, I would have been destroyed. Their patience, love and encouragement and the teaching I received there continued the change which my salvation had initiated.
I would have raped, killed or committed suicide. Instead of this, I have experienced and continue to receive much deliverance from evil spirits. I also have been used to help many others to get free from demonic bondage. Thank God for Jesus and the chance to rebuild broken lives by His Word and turn them into warriors for His glory.
The following is an excerpt from “Rooting Out Rejection and Hidden Bitterness, Booklet #44″ by Pastor Win Worley. Copyright © 1992 by Win Worley. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including storage and retrieval system, without securing permission in writing from the publisher, WRW Publications, PO Box 852626, Mesquite, TX 75185.
If you’d like to obtain your own copy of not only this, but other materials authored by Win Worley, please contact WRW Publications at www.wrwpublications.com
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